Sometimes, i cant help but feel really hopeless abt my future.. I have no idea what i wanna do with my life, what is my purpose in life? These are the questions that have been lingering in my mind ever since exams had ended. I kept asking the same question but i dun seem to find the answers.

If i could trace back when it all started, i wld say it wld have to be the day i received my 'A' Levels results.. My whole world was turned upside down, i no longer see the purpose in my life.. Since primary, i have always known that Tanglin wld be my sch of choice, when i was in sec sch, i had always knew that i wanna go to JC, and when i was in JC, i knew i wanted to go to NUS and do political science.. but when that did not happen, i no longer know what i wanna do..

I passed my days in SIM in a blur, like everything is routinised.. I go to sch, attend lecture, hang out with friends and go home.. It wld not be am exaggeration if i say that i am pretty much dead on the inside.. The only things that kept me going, were my friends.. And now, i am at the cross road again, being pressured to make a decision on where will my future lies..

If i wanna be selfish, i wld love to travel the world, do odd jobs along the way and learn a lot in the school of life.. If i could have my wish, i would wanna be a volunteer in Mercy Relief and help those needy pple.. I dun wish for a life full of wealth and money, just a meaningful one where i am happy with myself and be contented with what i have..

But life is full with difficult decisions, do i follow my heart or do i be a good child and listen to my parents who have given me everything?

I just came back from my uncle's place for iftar... There were so much food i tell you! Too bad my eldest cousin was not there cos she is on night shift.. kesian dia.. but our foster brother joined us and as usual, none of the food served were perfect to his liking.. it was either too diluted, too blant or can be improved futher.. The whole family were teasing him that we wld really pity his future wife because he is too fussy..

My mum cooked kachang pool while my aunt cooked laksa lemak, i was actually looking forward to laksa Penang, but i guess laksa lemak will do! My mum and uncle when to the bazaar Ramadhan at Bukit Gombak and bought nasi beriyani, kebab and other side dish.. There were so many food on the table, i still have my kebab to finish but im planning to save it for sahur later.

Yesterday, Red, Zal, Fyque and I met up for iftar at CCK yet again! Azack could not join us due to her unfinished presentation for the next day. As usual, we were very open and talked abt some sexual stuffs.. haha.. merepek, the topic and questions we came up for each other were just merepek.. but we sure do get a big laff out of it..

It has been a hell of a week.. some and ups and downs.. but mostly downs.. Siggghh... I just hope that thses sighing would stop soon. The only ups i have this week are meeting my bestfriends for buka on Tues and my SIM buddies on Friday. The rest of it, are just full of frustration, anxiety and anger.

It had been so long since i lost my composure. I told myself again and again to just keep quiet because i know that when my mouth starts to run, i wld become "Public Enemy No.1" (thats what Ja said.) I promised myself not to be the person i was back then who was loud, vulgar and vocal but sometimes, when u just kept quiet, pple start to walk all over you. I consider myself a patient person when dealing with other pple but when the line is crossed, i wld definitely blow up. Just because i choose to remain silent, it does not mean that i wld allow u to talk to me in a condesending manner.

I was often reminded of why i dun open up to pple. I never fail to thank God for the bestfriends i am blessed with cos no matter what happened, they are the ones who know and understand me best. Even though we joke and irritate the hell out of each other, we know that at the end of the day, we wld be there for each other. Even though crappy jokes, nonsensical comments are made, we know that judgements are not passed. There is a bestfriend whom i really miss a lot, didnt meet up for such a long time. Efforts can be made but it has to be both ways, not one.

I am bloody freaking irritated right now!!! I just checked my coming week schedule and i am so pissed off!!! AAAAAHHHHH!!!! I feel like shouting out all the profanity!!! I was angry abt this on Friday but i managed to calm myself down but seeing the schedule again in my email makes me more angry!!! I have to do 2 nights of OT and i dun even have ones single free day at SGX for the day after! Irritating bugger!!

I nearly lost it on Friday, i just felt like screaming profanities in front of his face but luckily i was fasting so have to calm myself down!! I used to think that my patience was put to the test when handling difficult traders but i realised that it is nothing in comparison to having such a pain in the ass person as a colleague! So pissed off!!!! I am so jealous of Joseph right now cos he will be leaving soon due to a new job offer, he will no longer have to face this kind of stupid nonsense.. I am thinking twice of whether i shld extent my contract.

Things have not been going my way since Friday! I started the day with my MP3 player bailing out on me and refused to play any songs. The CREATIVE word just appeared on the screen and it hung! So irritated! The first thought that came to my mind was, "I shld have bought iPod!" ( i hear a "I told you so!" from u, Fiq). And then when i reached work, i was greeted with the stupid sarcastic grin followed by the screwed up schedule. Later in the afternoon, i got a phonecall from Collin saying that the finance side cant approve my loan because my dad's age is not suitable to become a guarantor! I was like, "What the heck?!" And just when i tot my cousin wld be suitable, he told me that it shld be from immediate family. I was like, "Hello!!" I dun have any freaking siblings!! And when my dad's salary permits it, his age becomes a problem!!! AAARRRGGGGHHHH!!! And now, the whole family seems like no longer interested due to so many complications!

Siggghhhh..... I wonder what wld happen tmr! I lost my way in JB? Or Giant suddenly closes down? Never mind Marlina, breathe in, breathe out... Relax....

It has been a long time since i blogged, just dun feel like typing anything when im online which was rarely., Even on those days that i was online, i wld spent my time compiling my quotes from OTH's season 2... i just love the quotes they used.

Life has been pretty monotous for me. It is like a daily routines of waking up, go work and watch movies... every single day we wld watch abt 2 movies. Im not complaining though, because i think i am already tired of the traders asking me the same questions all over again... sigh...

I know i have said it before but i feel so surreal abt my life and work. Sometimes, it seems like i am not actually having a real job beause when we are not deployed, we wld just slack ard and sleep. Most of the time, i am asking myself the same question over and over again, " What is my purpose in life?" I dunno what i wanna become, i dunno what job am i looking for, i dunno what job i am suitable with. Actually, i do know what i want and i feel pretty good if i managed to get a job with the organisation but i dun think my mum is agreeable to it... AAARRGGGHHH!!! And now with the recent news, i am being pressured to make a decision which i might later regret it.. What am i supposed to do...

• Lynna
• Me, Myself and I
• Complex, Dreamer, Figure Me Out

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